Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Are You a Fair-Weather Friend?

Am i a Fair-Weather Friend or stick to them even in stormy weathers ?

This thought raised when my close friend was in sorrow and pain and i was thinking how to console her...

So how exactly you've to Console your Friend? A very important one to know in life and hope it will be useful for all. All this is framed from my own experience and few extracts from the net.

It’s hard to watch a loved one grieve, but comforting a grieving person can be awkward, and sometimes not knowing what to say or do keeps us from offering support. Learn how to provide support for someone in their time of sadness.

Judge yourself, Are you a fair-weather friend?

Grieving from loss is an experience we can all understand. No matter how close you are to someone, offering comfort during rough times can still feel awkward. “People aren’t comfortable with tears and sadness in this culture”.

Men always expect result oriented solutions. Women just need a comfort shoulder to share their sorrow and never bother whether their problems will be resolved.

One of my close friend is in her sad times and break up many times on thinking about the incident. She just try to avoid the happy moments by thinking about that incident. Here comes the close friends part. You should be careful enuf to console her/him without pouring much sympathy and at the same time your caring should be true, not just for namesake that am also your friend and i too console you. They already know how caring you are and its just simple math that, be there on all important times and when they think about calling someone or to be a first point of contact and if you're the first person, then you truly deserve to be a friend.

It is better to show your presence in all the important occasions of your friends, rather than gifting them on all occasions.

You might think using phrases like “It was his time,” “He lived a full life” or “He doesn’t have to suffer anymore,” might seem helpful because you’re focusing on the positive. The griever usually doesn’t feel any better hearing such things, and can become aggravated by comments that sound trite and impersonal. Simply acknowledging a friend’s loss is the most important thing you can do because you’re recognizing their pain and sorrow.

“It is always appropriate to say ‘I’m sorry’” . “Sometimes to sit and listen is the best gift.”

When your friend is telling his/her pain or sorrow, Never use your own experience with loss to relate to someone else’s. Most grieving people can’t see past their own pain, and they may feel resentful if you change the subject to yourself. Even if you’ve gone through the same kind of loss, avoid saying “I know how you feel,” because the truth is “we don’t ever really know”. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers; you just have to be there.

To be funny/silly, sometimes even a chocolate or a comics cures the pain quicker than a pill.

You might ask, What Should I Say?

Encourage a grieving person to talk openly about their pain and about the person they’ve lost. Be prepared for a wide range of responses. Men are more likely than women to internalize their grief and change the subject. But never assume he doesn’t need or appreciate your compassion just because he isn’t crying or asking for help. What if someone’s pushing you away as you’re trying to help? Do you honor someone’s wishes when they tell you they want to be left alone? “You do, but not for a long time” .

Now you may ask me, What else can i do make him/her comfort enuf?

“Being there” for someone primarily means listening and offering a shoulder to cry on. But thoughtful actions also show your compassion and concern. “Call me if you need anything” doesn’t suffice. Remember – grief takes a toll on one’s physical health, so lend a helping hand. Is your friend too distraught to shop for clothes/groceries? Offer to shop for him or her. Don’t wait to be asked, because chances are your friend may feel like he or she is asking for too much already. An act of kindness as simple as running to the outlet/grocery store lifts a burden from a grieving person’s shoulders and shows you care.

Don’t forget to give lots of hugs too. Touch can be incredibly therapeutic.
Crack a worst joke, tell a funny story, make them tease you (though u feel hurt inside...after all they are our best frnds), act stupid and childish.

Divert their attention in new project like gardening/ meditation. Research some new activity going on in your area which your grieving friend likes or share the name of interesting stuff that helped you through a bad time. If the grieving frnd has his/her life partner, it is best option to tell that person to take care of him/her.

You might have a final question for me? Is My Job done?

People are most in need of comfort right after a loss. But “grief is never really healed”. “Grief just becomes a comfortable companion.” People manage to return to their lives, but there’s an emotional hole that will never be filled. So no matter how well a grieving person seems to be adjusting, It is better to “tell them over and over and over again that you’re there to listen.” Some people don’t have time to grieve, and sometimes grief manifests itself months or years after a loss.

At the very least, commit to 12 months of support. Be there for the initial loss and the first anniversary of the loss, which is especially emotional. Don’t feel silly giving your friend a call or a handwritten note with your thoughts on the anniversary of the loss, or a wedding anniversary or birthday, or even anytime during the following year. If you don’t know what to say, buy a card that says it. “Thank goodness for Archies/Hallmark!”.

Before approaching someone dealing with grief, think back to a time when you were consumed with sadness. Try to remember what helped and what you didn’t want to hear. What do you wish someone had done for you? Do that for your friend. You can never take away someone’s pain, but you can be part of their healing process.

So "Are You a Fair-Weather Friend?" . I stick to them even in stormy weathers ...

A true friend is there in good times and bad, sickness and health. Do you stick around when stormy weather approaches or split when there’s rain in the forecast?
Revisit your inner heart and double check if you’re a fair-weather friend.

Consider the entire world as Lord Rama and think yourself as Hanuman, you'll automatically help everyone...

The best way to be Happy is to, make other's Happy...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Very true stormy weather comes not very often, but when it does one feels like getting lost in the storm. Friends in stormy weather is like a sailor rescuing you from the storm.

It is also true that during one's loss theres nothing much a friend can do, but just by being there for them not doing anything makes a lot of difference.

Hmm interesting to see the comments, Ive observed in many people who tend to put their exeriences during grievance, well said that its really not an acceptable gesture. The intention might be to help but it really doesnt.

Lenghty blog but good to know